Someone Please Help White Humanity

Since I’ve been a child the title of “White” has been quite flimsy... one minute everybody pale from Europe is “White...” Until I get to someone supposedly “Jew”-ish and from a European place, and then all of a sudden they are - not only not White but just a “Jew” met with a visceral tone.

Now I turn to YouTube to one of my frequented shows and on comes a “White” man who claims to be “White” but his last name is Fuentes and he’s claiming Italian... Which consequently people used to call half black in the 80s and then Irish and …Mexican??!! What the fuck is going on.

I need help.... I am going through a crisis and I am not going to make it... and quite frankly I don’t think the whites are going to make it either.

Can we sit down and come to a consensus so we can at least have a shared reality?

I recently asked a friend, “White,” how could a European Jew not be White... he showed me a picture of a dapper, blond hair blue eyed man as a true white... But then I remember he was a fan of Hitler who had neither trait and Hitler was supposed to be the king of “Aryan” Whites.

Then later.... being the studious Africanous Maximus that I am, I find out that an Aryan is an Indo-European from the Pontic-Caspian steppe that refused to go west to Europe with the Yamnaya whites... I was confused, astounded that I had been lied to. I had to fix this.

The Great White Confusion: A Historical Autopsy

So here we are, my dear confused public, let’s perform an autopsy on this corpse of an idea called “Whiteness” - bring your strongest stomach because what we’re about to dissect has been rotting in plain sight for centuries.

Craniology Comedy Hour

Let me take you back to the 1800s when Samuel Morton was measuring skulls like a deranged phrenologist at a county fair. This man collected over 1,000 human skulls and declared - with scientific certainty! - that he could determine racial superiority by cubic centimeters. His conclusion? “Caucasians” had the biggest brains, therefore the most intelligence.

Plot twist: Stephen Jay Gould re-examined Morton’s own data in The Mismeasure of Man (1981) and found Morton had unconsciously fudged his measurements. When properly measured, the skull sizes showed no meaningful differences between groups. But wait - it gets better!

The term “Caucasian” itself? Coined by Johann Friedrich Blumenbach in 1795 because he thought a skull from the Caucasus mountains was particularly beautiful. That’s right - your entire racial classification system is based on one German’s aesthetic preference for a dead Georgian’s head shape. Scientific!

The Genetic Gotcha

Now let’s talk DNA, shall we? The Human Genome Project concluded that humans share 99.9% of their DNA. But here’s where it gets delicious:

Exhibit A: Haplogroup R1b - the most common Y-DNA haplogroup in Western Europe. Guess where it originated? The Pontic-Caspian steppe around 20,000 years ago. Those “pure” Western Europeans? They’re descendants of Bronze Age steppe migrants who replaced about 90% of Britain’s gene pool around 4,500 years ago (Reich, Who We Are and How We Got Here, 2018).

Exhibit B: The average “white” American has 0.19% African ancestry and 0.18% Native American ancestry (23andMe database, 2014). But wait - Southern Europeans average 1-3% North African ancestry from various historical periods. So when exactly did they stop being “white”? Tuesday? After lunch?

Exhibit C: Now here’s where it gets REALLY spicy - those Ashkenazi Jews your friend insists aren’t white? The Khazar hypothesis and historical records suggest massive conversion movements in Eastern Europe. The Khazar Khaganate (650-1048 CE) was a Turkic steppe empire that converted to Judaism. These weren’t Middle Eastern migrants - these were your classic steppe peoples, cousins to the very Scythians and Sarmatians that fed into European populations.

But it gets better! The medieval Jewish populations of the Rhine valley? Historical records show massive conversion of local European populations during the Roman period and early Middle Ages. Ever heard of the Kingdom of Adiabene? Himyarite Kingdom? Entire kingdoms converting to Judaism. The idea that European Jews are primarily descendants of ancient Judeans? That’s about as solid as claiming modern Italians are pure Romans. The steppe blood runs through ALL of Eastern Europe - Jewish, Slavic, Germanic, all of it. Your Ashkenazi neighbors are genetically your cousins from the exact same Pontic-Caspian steppe that gave you the Yamnaya. They’re literally whiter than white by steppe ancestry metrics!

The Italian Job (How Mediterraneans are Sometimes-White)

Oh, this is my favorite part. Let’s discuss how Italians achieved their provisional whiteness membership card.

In 1911, the U.S. House Committee on Immigration debated whether Southern Italians were “full-blooded Caucasians.” Congressman Henry Cabot Lodge argued they weren’t really white because of “Saracen, African and other admixtures.” The 1924 Immigration Act specifically limited Southern and Eastern European immigration because they weren’t considered properly white.

Fast forward to today: that Fuentes fellow you mentioned? The surname comes from Spanish/Portuguese meaning “fountains.” Spain - you know, that country conquered by North African Moors for 700 years (711-1492 CE)? Genetic studies show modern Iberians have approximately 10-20% North African ancestry in some regions (Botigue et al., PNAS, 2013).

So we have a “white” nationalist with a Spanish surname, claiming Italian heritage (a group that wasn’t considered white until the mid-20th century), from a peninsula with significant African genetic contribution. Chef’s kiss

The Aryan Absurdity

Now let’s address the Aryan elephant in the room - and boy, is this elephant confused about its own migration patterns.

The term “Aryan” (from Sanskrit ārya, meaning “noble”) originally referred to Indo-Iranian peoples. The Rigveda, composed around 1500 BCE, uses it as a self-designation for Vedic tribes. These were Indo-European speakers who migrated INTO India and Iran, not blonde-haired Germans.

The Yamnaya culture (3300-2600 BCE) from the Pontic-Caspian steppe? They had dark hair, dark eyes, and intermediate skin tone according to ancient DNA analysis (Haak et al., Nature, 2015). These are your proto-Indo-Europeans, folks. Your linguistic ancestors looked more like modern Armenians than Thor.

Hitler’s “Aryan race”? A complete fabrication based on 19th-century linguistic theories mangled through racial pseudoscience. The Nazis literally appropriated a Sanskrit term, applied it to Germanic peoples who had nothing to do with it, and then declared themselves superior based on this fabrication. It’s like declaring yourself King of Mars based on a typo in an astronomy textbook.

The Genealogical Guillotine

Want to know something hilarious about genealogy? Every European alive today descends from Charlemagne (died 814 CE). Not some Europeans. ALL of them. This is mathematical certainty - go back 40 generations and you have more theoretical ancestors than people who existed (Chang, Advances in Applied Probability, 1999).

But it gets better! Due to something called pedigree collapse (cousins marrying cousins throughout history), every European is also descended from every Viking, Moor, Hun, Jew, and Roma who left descendants. That “pure” bloodline? It’s a mathematical impossibility.

And speaking of Jews - those European Jewish populations that supposedly maintained separation? Medieval church records are FULL of conversions in both directions. The Fourth Lateran Council (1215) had to mandate that Jews wear badges precisely because you couldn’t tell them apart from their Christian neighbors. Why would you need a yellow badge if Jews looked different from other Europeans? Think about it!

The Physical Remains Remain Confusing

Let’s examine some skulls, shall we? But with actual science this time:

The Cheddar Man (Britain, 10,000 years ago): DNA analysis revealed dark skin, blue eyes, and dark curly hair (Brace et al., Nature Ecology & Evolution, 2018). This is your oldest known Briton, folks.

The Tarim mummies (Xinjiang, China, 4,000 years ago): Seemingly “European” features, but genetic analysis shows they were a local population with Ancient North Eurasian ancestry - not migrants from Europe (Zhang et al., Nature, 2021).

Ancient Egyptian remains? Depending on the period and region, they show affinities with sub-Saharan Africans, Middle Easterners, and Mediterranean populations. Ramesses II had red hair? Sure - he also had E1b1a Y-DNA, common in West Africa (Hawass et al., 2012).

Scythian burial mounds from the steppe? These ancient peoples - who fed into both Slavic AND Khazar populations - show the same mix of East Asian and European features. The steppe was a genetic superhighway, not a racial border.

Making Whiteness Make Sense (Spoiler: It Doesn’t)

So let’s try to construct a coherent definition of “white” based on our evidence:

Genetic definition? Fails immediately. Europeans are mixed populations with ancestry from Anatolian farmers, Western hunter-gatherers, and Pontic steppe populations, plus various levels of Middle Eastern, North African, and Asian admixture. And those “non-white” Ashkenazi? They’re carrying the same steppe ancestry as everyone else in Eastern Europe, just mixed with some religious converts from various kingdoms over two millennia.

Geographic definition? So arbitrary it’s comical. Why does the Mediterranean count but not North Africa? Why does the Caucasus count but not Central Asia? Why does Europe end at the Urals and not the Don River? Or the Dnieper? And if Jews who lived in Europe for 1,000+ years aren’t European, what’s the statute of limitations on becoming white?

Phenotype definition? The Sami of northern Scandinavia often have epicanthic folds. Many Greeks are darker than many Arabs. Chechens from the literal Caucasus can have red hair and green eyes, or black hair and brown eyes. Ashkenazi Jews run the full spectrum from blonde-haired, blue-eyed to Mediterranean olive - EXACTLY like their European neighbors.

Cultural definition? Christian? Tell that to Albanian Muslims. Indo-European speakers? So are Iranians and North Indians. Democratic tradition? Looks at European history of monarchies, fascism, and communism Sure, Jan.

Historical definition? Changes every generation. Benjamin Franklin wrote in 1751 that only the English and Saxons were “white” - even Swedes were too “swarthy” for him.

The Punchline

Here’s the thing, my confused friend seeking consensus: there is no consensus because “whiteness” isn’t a biological reality - it’s a social construction that shape-shifts based on political convenience. It’s a club whose membership rules change whenever someone brown gets too close to the door.

The Irish weren’t white until they were. The Italians weren’t white until they were. The Jews are Schrödinger’s whites - simultaneously white when discussing privilege but non-white when discussing persecution, despite being genetically indistinguishable from their European neighbors after centuries of conversion and intermarriage. The Spanish are white unless we’re talking about immigration. The Greeks are white unless we’re talking about debt crisis, then they’re lazy Mediterraneans.

Your friend showing you a picture of a blonde-haired, blue-eyed “true white”? Tell him that description fits many Afghans, Kurds, and Berbers. Hell, it fits some Aboriginal Australians with blonde hair mutations. And it fits plenty of Ashkenazi Jews whose ancestors were converting Slavs and Khazars on the steppe while his ancestors were doing the exact same thing with Christianity.

The Resources for the Deniers

Since I know you’ll need ammunition for the comment section:

• The Thirteenth Tribe - Arthur Koestler (1976) [on Khazar origins]

• The Invention of the Jewish People - Shlomo Sand (2009)

• The History and Geography of Human Genes - Cavalli-Sforza et al. (1994)

• The Myth of Race - Robert Sussman (2014)

• Fatal Invention: How Science, Politics, and Big Business Re-create Race - Dorothy Roberts (2011)

• White By Law: The Legal Construction of Race - Ian Haney López (2006)

• Medieval conversion records: Vatican Secret Archives, Cairo Genizah documents

• Ancient DNA studies: Reich Lab at Harvard, Willerslev Lab at Copenhagen

• Y-DNA and mtDNA haplogroup distributions: FamilyTreeDNA, ISOGG

• Historical immigration records: Ellis Island Database, Library of Congress

A Plea for Sanity

So please, white humanity, help yourselves. Sit down at that consensus table and try to define yourselves. I’ll bring popcorn and watch as you realize your entire racial category is held together with historical amnesia, geographic illiteracy, and genetic ignorance.

You want a shared reality? Here it is: “Whiteness” is a political project, not a biological fact. It expands and contracts based on who needs to be included to maintain power. It’s a VIP club where the bouncers keep changing the dress code based on who’s trying to get in.

The crisis isn’t that we can’t define whiteness - it’s that anyone still thinks it’s definable. The emperor isn’t just naked; he’s a hologram projected onto smoke while standing in a hall of mirrors.

But don’t worry - I’m sure you’ll figure it out. After all, you’ve only been trying for 400 years. Maybe give it another millennium? I’ll wait.

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Did you know? The Radhanites were medieval Jewish merchants who controlled trade routes from France to China (500-1000 CE). These weren’t isolated ghetto dwellers - they were international power brokers intermarrying with local nobility across Europe. Medieval Jewish communities included Ethiopian merchants, Berber warriors, Turkic steppe converts, Slavic nobles, and Germanic traders. The idea of a genetically isolated Jewish population is about as accurate as claiming medieval European nobility never intermarried. The Fourth Lateran Council’s yellow badge requirement (1215 CE) was instituted precisely because Jewish and Christian Europeans were indistinguishable - defeating the entire purpose of racial categorization. The steppe gave Europe its languages, its genes, and yes, many of its Jews. Deal with it.